A Place Called Green

 

 

Exhausted and battered, I dragged myself through the door and flopped down on the bed. I barely had the energy to take my clothes off and get ready for bed. That was when I noticed that I was not alone in the room.

“Tolani, thank goodness you are back!” My best friend, Amanda said as she sat beside me wiping her hand with the paper towel, I see that she had just finished using the toilet. 

“Why are you here?” I asked, furrowing my eyebrows and tilting my neck to the side to face her. 

“Your mum called. She is worried that you have been out for a long time”

“Of course she did,” I said rolling my eyes, turning my face away from her.

“See, I am fine. Mum is exaggerating stuff” I added even though I knew she wouldn’t buy that. 

As if she was reading my thoughts, she said,“ Well! I don't buy that. With all these puffy red eyes. You, my friend, are anything but okay. Where have you been?” she asked. 

“It's like what?” I said as I glanced at the alarm clock beside my lampstand “11:42 pm. You should go home”. 

“Stop avoiding the question! And in case you didn't notice, I am spending some time over to take care of you”. She said, pointing to her suitcase by the corner of the room. “So girl, you are stuck with me” she added playfully pouting her mouth, but I wasn't finding it funny. 

“Amanda, I am widowed not five. I don't need someone taking care of me”.

Satisfied with the awkward silence and how speechless I made her be, I dragged myself out of bed and made my way to the closet. 

Taking my clothes off to get ready for a shower, I kept having horrible flashbacks of what happened in the hospital earlier that day. When I heard those words I dreaded with everything in me, and how I saw my life crumbling right before my eyes. It was unbelievable and even though it was valid, I had to be certain.

Taking off the last earring from my left ear and wrapping myself in my bathrobe, I quickly grabbed my pregnancy test kit and dashed into the bathroom quickly locking the door behind me, wishing that could lock myself out of my life as well. At least, to get a breath of fresh air and be a spectator to watch someone else live in this mess. 

But unfortunately, it didn't happen.

Stooping to the toilet seat, I allowed the warm urine to fill the cup halfway and I dropped the test stick in it. While staring at it for the next few minutes, I practice the calmness therapy of taking deep breaths. As I exhaled, my lips trembled in fear and my eyes moistened with tears, I knew what the result would be but at that point, I prayed for an 11th-hour miracle. Or magic, anything at all. 

Seeing the “+” sign on the test stick, I let out a scream, finally letting the tears flow down my cheeks. Realizing I had a nosy friend on the other side of the room, I quickly covered my mouth, pressing my hands against it because I could not stop screaming. I quickly turned on the shower, so the noise that came from it to overshadow mine. But it was too late.

As expected, Amanda came knocking on the bathroom door furiously, threatening to break it down if I didn't open it. 

“Tolani! Tolani! For heaven’s sake open up! Please! Biko, I beg you! Wo, I will break this door if you don't open it now”

 She threatened even though her voice was cracking. As emotional as Amanda was, I knew she was on the verge of breaking down too. 

I ignored her for a while, but realizing her incessant and loud knocking could wake my mother. I stretched my right arm opening the door still maintaining my position of sitting on the floor, leaning on the bathroom, knees inclined, head bent and letting tears and heartbreak have the best of me. 

It was crystal clear that I was pregnant and as the doctor said, 2 and a half months gone. 

But just before, I bent my head I saw Amanda’s eyes widen in shock as she saw the pregnancy test kit in the sink and of course, the stick with the positive results.

Kneeling beside me, and with no words uttered; she put her arm around me, and we had a good cry in each other’s arms for a while. 

“I… I… I can't do this”. I said after I pulled away from the hug, shaking my head with every word. 

“What?” she asked, peering into my eyes.

“I cannot have this baby. Not when I was finally moving on. No” 

I paused for a while, looking up into the ceiling as I shook my head again.

“I am too young to be going through all of this. Ever since Tony died, for the first time I felt like I was finally getting my life together, and now this? A baby? A full human being that I am supposed to be responsible for. I cannot do this, I swear. How am I supposed to pull it off? With mama’s deteriorating health, or with you engaged and soon to be married? How exactly?”

I paused, and I looked at Amanda with curious eyes, hoping for an answer somehow. But she was silent, and I knew she wanted me to rant and let it all out. 

“If only…” I said as though the words were choking me.

“If only I stopped him from going out that night. This…”

Despite allowing the one-way conversation, she was quick to interrupt me.

“No no. Listen to me Tols” She said as she pressed my shoulders, shaking them slightly. 

“His death was nothing close to being your fault. Everything happens for a reason and it was his time to go. It had nothing to do with you, I promise”. 

“But this death was avoidable and everyone knows it!” I retorted, not ready to be comforted by her validation. 

“He was just going out for drinks with the boys. How come I didn't sense danger? Where were my feminine instincts for crying out loud?!” I yelled.

“He went drinking and of course was drunk and driving home when that truck ran him over. I just… I… I cannot move past this when I will always have a remainder of him in human form”. I said as though I was slowly losing my breath because it felt like it.

Amanda lifted my head as she moved to kneel right in front of me, her face a few inches away from mine. 

“Tols. Listen. Tony is gone and nothing can bring him back. All we have to do is think about the future and not dwell in the past. A baby is coming, and I know how draining the whole experience can be. But I promise you, I will be with you holding your hands every step of the way” She said, dragging the five last words as she spoke. 

“This baby is here not by mistake and trust that it will bring just the amount of happiness and fresh light you need in your life”.

I watched as her shoulders rose and fell as she took a deep breath.

“I know this sounds gibberish, but maybe you need this child. Maybe he is the only thing that can fix you. You may not see it now but months into carrying this child, you will understand what I mean. Trust me” she said letting out a light smile and I found myself doing so too. 

Wiping the last tear that hung on my cheek off, I pulled her in for a tight hug.

“Thank you. So much… I…”

“Ssh. Please stop thanking me. Just shut it and let's enjoy this hug in peace”. She said, making me giggle.

Pulling out of the hug, she held my hands and asked. 

“So, what’s next?” 

Taking a few minutes to think deeply because my head was going through a lot, and I had to separate my thoughts and define my the next step because that was most important.

“I just want to have contact with him for the last time. I need closure as to why everything happened the way it did. It all took me by shock and I require time to process everything I am feeling now” I said nodding my head.

“And how do you intend to do that?” Amanda asked.

“We had a favourite place,” I said, smiling as I remembered all the good memories we had there. “There is the only place I can feel his presence, and that is where I can get this closure I need to move on”. 

“Where is that?”

“A place in the woods. We call it Green”. I said as a big smile formed on my lips, rubbing my belly and finally coming to terms with accepting that a human is growing inside me. My own child.

Benecca’s Tales

2022

All Rights Reserved.

AUTHOR’S NOTE

Writing about the character Tolani was quite tasking for me as I didn't want to portray her as a bitter person who quickly wanted to erase her husband’s memories and move on. 

All that she said came from a place of hurt and it's obvious that she has some healing to do.

I wish her luck in her meeting at the green place sha lol. I also think that everyone needs a friend like Amanda cos the girl is so loyal and understanding gosh *wipes tears*

Anyways, as usual, all characters are virtual and are strictly products of imagination.

This story is inspired by the song “Only Time” by the Irish Singer, Enya. (First inspirational song that is not African!)

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Please leave your thoughts in the comments, I always love to hear from you.

Also, there is love in sharing, so please feel free to share this story with your folks.

xoxo

Anakor Vanessa

vanessaanakor@gmail.com